


In My Life

by im_not_anna



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Consensual Sex, F/M, M/M, MWPP, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 16:51:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11902011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_not_anna/pseuds/im_not_anna
Summary: Remus's and Sirius's entire relationship from their 5th year till Harry's 3rd.Remus is studios and reserved and has never so much as looked in the direction of any of the girls at Hogwarts.Sirius is clever and mischievous and flirts with out really noticing he's doing it.Fast Forward:Remus is heartbroken and lonely and back in the paradise of his childhood.Sirius is vengeful and determined and has his priority's all warped.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This Story is dedicated to my platonic soul mate, the lovely Mia.

Remus

 

11:59pm of August 31st, 1975. That was the exact moment Remus Lupin realised he was monumentally fucked.

 

 

It was only a few short hours before they where to be back on the Hogwarts Express on there way to start their 5th year at the best school for Witchcraft and Wizardry that there ever was. But who where they, you ask? Only Remus Lupin and his three best friends in the whole wild world.

There was James Potter, the unofficial leader of the group. Nothing happened at Hogwarts with out him knowing about it.... or so he thought. No prank was pulled with with out his approval, no mischiefed managed with out his help. He could strut thought the endless halls like no one else, his dishevelled black hair kept in a state of disarray by the hand that just couldn't seem to help itself. Every girl was a potential conquest (not that he was likely to get even close to conquering any of them), most of all, one Lily Evans, a kind, clever muggleborn with hair the colour of autumn.

James's right hand man was the most gorgeous 15 year old at Hogwarts, male or female. Some might say Remus was biased when it came to the wizarding beauty standards of the 1970’s, but enough girls (and boys) had been caught fawning over Sirius's dark, silky hair and piercing eyes for Remus to know that this wasn't an opinion exclusive to him. And yet the only person Sirius every even looked at was Marleen McKinnon. And of course the target’s of their latest prank and his best friends. Though if one where to ask any of those friends they would swear that he didn't even look at them all that often, mostly preoccupied with his himself in whichever reflective surface was closest.

Peter was, what outsiders may consider, an outlier. He didn't have the brains that James possessed, the charm that radiated off of Sirius or the back braking determination that Remus forced upon himself. But none of those things made Peter any less part of the group. What he lacked in wit, charm and drive he made up for in heart. There was never a friend more fierce, a companion more courageous, a mate more motivated in his friendship. And they loved him like a brother. No, they loved him like marauder.

Last and, if he was being honest, quite possibly least was Remus Lupin himself. The werwolf that they miraculously took in as on of their own, despite knowing all about his 'furry little problem’. Even going so far as to making preparations to become illegal Anamagi in attempts to make his monthly horrors that little bit more bearable. At first he'd been worried about them finding out, scared that they would abandon him and out him to the rest of the school. But they did no such thing. In fact they hugged  him a little longer, paid him a little more attention when he wasn't feeling well. And it actually took Remus longer to realise that they knew then it did for them to realise what he was.

So that was 'them'. The Marauders. Remus Lupin and his three best friends in the whole wild world. And they where all hauled up in James's room counting down the hours until they would be back on the beloved train and on their way to Hogwarts. 

"You know what would really pass the time?" 

"An orgy?" Sirius suggested from his place atop James's bed and Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes. 

"No, you numpty. I was going to suggest sleeping."

"What?" James exclaimed while Sirius roared: "We can't sleep now!"

"And why is that again?" If he was being perfectly honest Remus was starting to get a little drowsy and it wasn't even midnight yet. A day of running around outside and playing an unfair game of Quidditch will do that to you. 

"We're 15 now." James stated as if it meant something more. "We're basically adults and adults don't sleep." 

"Uhh...... Right." Remus was certain that that’s not how adulthood works, but figured it would be more satisfying to tell them he told them so after they feel asleep on the Hogwarts Express the next day then to try to argue with them now. 

"Oh come on, Moony," Sirius bounced off the bed to drape himself over Remus who was sitting on the floor, singing his nickname in a not quite out of tune fashion. "It's only 7 more hours until Prongs's parent's are expecting us to get up." 

"No it's not." Remus sighed. 7 hours was a lot. 

"Yeah it is, mate. It's a minute to midnight." Sirius grabbed hold of Remus face with on hand on each side, and very carefully turned it to face the clock on James's wall. Surely his intent was purely inocent..... but something more happened in that moment. Something unexpected. For a split second, when Sirius's hand's cupped Remus's face, Remus's mind tricked him into thinking Sirius was about to lean in and kiss him. It was a confusing moment, seeing as Remus had never before thought anything like that. And as Sirius's hands lingered on the side of his face he found that his cheeks started to flush and his chest felt tighter. 

"Merlin." Remus hissed, hoping his friends would assume it had to do with what time it was. 11:59pm. Of August 31st, 1975. That was the exact moment Remus Lupin realised he was monumentally fucked.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius

 

 

He hated to admit it, but Remus had been right. Bloody hell was Sirius tired and from the looks of it so where the rest of the marauders. Peter eyes kept fluttering shut slowly and then springing back open again, like he was trying really hard not to be the first to doze off. He probably wouldn't have to wait all that much longer though. From he looks of it James was about a second away from deep slumber, face smushed against the window of their train compartment in a way that looked less then comfortable. 

Chancing a peek to his right, Sirius expected to see a smug look plastered on Remus's face. And 'I told you so' communicated only with his eyes. But it appeared that Remus was too tired to boast- or to read for that matter. A book was laying open in his lap but his focus was anywhere but on the pages in front of him. 

"Moons, If you're not going to read that you might as well put your lap to better use." Sirius mumbled though a yawn. 

"Pardon?" 

"Merlin, you're thick." Sirius decided the best way to explain was to just put his head in Remus's lap, giving him only a moment to pull his book away and place it somewhere, where it would be safe from Sirius’s glorious head

"Uh... No." Remus looked down at him, a stunned expression hiding behind the tired one.

"No?" 

"No. You're not using me as a pillow." 

"Aww, Mooooonnny. Why not?" Sirius pouted his lips in a way he hopped would make it impossible for Remus to say no. Sure that hadn't really worked in years, at least not on James and Remus, but there was no harm in trying. 

"Because I'm tired to!" Remus snarled- well not quite- almost snarled? tried to snarl? would have snarled if he weren't being dragged forcefully from the land of the conscious? "And I'm the one who wanted to sleep last night. If anything I deserve the human pillow." 

Sirius never could help but give in when Remus did that thing. That thing where he pretended like he had a valid point but everyone knew he didn’t. It was oddly endearing to him

On the outside Remus was the perfect, studious, goodie goodie, model citizen but deep down he was just as much of a trouble maker as the other three. It probably wasn't even that deep down, no more then 5 centimetres max. Although Remus was one of thous ridiculously skinny types who never seemed to stop growing and Sirius reckoned that if he scraped of the outer 5 centimetres of Remus all the way around his body, there wouldn't be a whole lot left for mischief. So he adjusted his theory so that Remus was quite the catch on the surface and no more then 1.5 centimetres lower. 

"We'll compromise." Sirius suggested sitting up. "I'll sleep on your shoulder and you can lay your head on my head-"

"And get a face full of hair? No thanks." 

"It's either that or the window." Sirius was already getting comfortable on Remus. Well, as comfortable as you could be when you're pillow was all bone and no padding. Across from them James was fast asleep, face pressed into the window, mouth wide open, causing the glass around it to fog. It wasn't a pretty sight and Remus must have been smart enough to not subject himself to the same humiliation and muttered a defeated 'fine' before gently resting his head agains't to top of Sirius's. 

"What do you think 'quite the catch' means?" Sirius asked after another yawn. He'd heard one of the Hufflepuff girls in their year say something along those lines about Remus, and assumed it was synonymous to ‘one-of-those-rare-people-that-are-just-so-good-all-the-time-doing-their-work-and-helping-littl-old-ladies-across-the-street-and-such’. Because that's what Remus was to most of the school and because that's what (if James's word could be trusted) Hufflepuff girls where into. But he was also pretty sure that she had been one of the few muggleborns in their year and muggles did tend to have rather odd expressions that you would think meant one thing when really it meant something completely different. (Like 'cat got your tongue' which had absolutely nothing to do with cats). And seeing as Sirius had taken it upon himself to learn about all things muggle, so that he could piss of his parents of course, he figured he might as well ask the marauders regional halfblood. 

"Mm don't know." Remus said so quietly Sirius probably wouldn't have heard it if their heads weren't so close. "But my mind goes to fishing." 

"Fishing." Sirius repeated. So it was an odd muggle thing? 

 

 

Humiliation wasn't something one could avoid when one was a marauder. That being said Sirius felt his cheeks go red when he was woken by the sound of the compartment door being thrown open with quite some vigour. He'd somehow shifted in his sleep, his head falling off of Remus's shoulder and settling somewhere half way down his chest, where he must have been drooling judging by the wet spot on Remus's shirt. He could tell, with out having to reach up to touch it, that he was experiencing bead head (or Remus head, he supposed), which was simply unacceptable. And to make it all worse Marlene McKinnon, of all people, was standing there, in the doorway of there compartment, witness to it all. 

"We're almost at the castle." She informed the boys who where all rubbing sleep out of there eyes and looking particularly dishevelled. At least Sirius wasn't alone in his embarrassment. "You should get changed."

"You're not still smitten over her are you?" James teased once McKinnon was well out of earshot. "She's a Hufflepuff." 

"And a head girl." Peter snickered. They always made fun of him for fancying someone who was so very ‘un-marauder’. 

"And 2 years older then you." Remus added. "Not to mention she has a boyfriend." 

"I heard they broke up." James looked a little confused. 

"From whom?" Sirius asked. Not because he was still interested but because- well, fine it was because he was still interested and even though he knew he didn't have a shot with her there was no harm in trying. Although after what had just happened he might as well give up on trying as well. 

"I heard Lilly say something along those lines." 

"Evans?" Remus asked. "When did you see Evans?" 

"He was watching her on the platform earlier." Peter chipped in. "Didn't you notice?" 

"Stalking is more like." Sirius took his opportunity to reciprocate James's teasing. 

"Where was I?" Remus asked. It made sense that he would be concerned about missing a scene, from one of those telenovelas Remus's mother loves, playing out right in front of him. But really it was no mystery as to what had happened since-

"You had your nose buried so deep in your book. You wound't have noticed if I'd set your hair on fire." 

"I probably would have noticed that." Remus rolled his eyes. 

"I wouldn't be so sure." James laughed. "You can get rather- uh?- shut off from he world? when you're reading." 

"It's a good book." 

"Uh-huh." James, Sirius and Peter where always giving Remus a hard time about how much he read. It's not that they didn't understand the appeal of a good book it's more that Remus sometimes gave of the impression that he didn't understand the appeal of anything that wasn't a good book. And seeing as they where a a group of 15 year old boys with a taste for being pricks they jumped at any opportunity to take the piss, just as they expected Remus to do to them.

"Oh piss off and get dressed." Remus hissed, his irritation letting Sirius know that he wasn't the only one who was still tired. 


	3. Chapter 3

Remus

 

 

It had all been some messed up misunderstanding caused by fatigue and prolonged close proximity and Remus thanked Merlin that he wasn't actually smitten for his best friend. 

It had become clear on the Hogwarts Express when Remus had woken up with a puddle of Sirius's drool leaving an uncomfortable wet spot against his chest to top all of that off Sirius had been so ridiculous about his thing for Marleen. If there was one thing Remus didn't like it was people who tried to get in the way of a happy relationship and, despite what James said, Marleen had continued to be in a happy relationship with her Slytherin boyfriend, Alexander Something. 

In those last moments on the train and then again at the feast when Sirius was too concerned with looking good to stuff his face like the rest of them (eating very carefully and with small bites at a time which meant that the marauders ended up having to wait for him to finish) that Remus became very sure that he had not deeper feelings for Sirius than friendship. Wait, no. Friendship was the deepest bond you could have with a person, of that Remus was certain. So he supposed he was sure he had no other feelings for Sirius aside from friendship. 

If that wasn't a relief.....

 

 

5ed year was, as expected, a time consuming endeavour. With O.W.L.s waiting for them in the not so distant future (like a light at the end of the tunnel expect the exact opposite of that) Remus spent a lot of time studying and they where only just entering October. Both Sirius and James seemed to be under the impression that Remus was working too hard but they didn't understand. They where both naturally smart despite there disregard for classical education. And besides it didn't matted if they didn't do that well. They wouldn't have the werwolf thing hovering over them at every job interview.

If Remus wanted a chance at a job in the wizarding world he would have to be the best. So good that his grades and recommendations trumped the fact that he was a monster. 

Deep down Remus knew that all of that could easily be field away in the 'wishful thinking' cabinet in his brain. Werewolves didn't get jobs or have normal lives. But the thing was, werewolves typically didn't go to Hogwarts and didn't have friends. Still by excessive dumb luck Remus had gotten a personal invite to Hogwarts by Albus Dumbledore himself and chanced upon the best group of friends anyone could ask for. 

It was dangerous to let himself believe that he'd have the same kind of luck in the future but he was a 15 for fucks sake. A 15 year old who's life was going pretty well and he wasn't about to give up a chance to have it continue down that path just because he didn't put enough time into his school work. 

Peter, who didn't have any of the natural talent that James and Sirius possessed, spent a lot of time with Remus at the library or seated, crosslegged, on the common room floor with books in between them while they practiced spells. 

Remus enjoyed spending time with Peter when he wasn't trying desperately to please James. It's true, they didn't have all that much in common (other then their friends) but they still always found something to talk about, weather it be what they did over break or James's crush on Evans.

"He really should give up." Remus sighed. They had had to listen to him wax lyric about her over breakfast and then again at lunch and Remus used the library as an excuse to get away this time rather then a means to study. 

"I don't think he can." Peter shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"I think he's too smitten to turn back now. Even if he wanted to." 

"Sure, but he must realise that it's hopeless cause. And I'm sure he could find a girl if he'd just look past Evans for a bit." 

"You've never been in love, have you?" Peter asked taking Remus aback completely. 

"No." 

"Clearly. Otherwise you'd know that you can't just walk away from something like that, not matter how much it would make sense to." 

"Right. So you've been in love then?" Remus didn't mean for it to sound as disbelieving as it did, he just couldn't believe that Peter would hide something like from his friends. Surely someone would have noticed if Peter was staying up at night daydreaming about some bird. Surely he would have told them. They always told each other when they fancied someone. Except for those 7 or so hours in which Remus thought he might fancy Sirius, but hey, we had every intention of telling James and Peter. Eventually. Not that there was any need for that anymore. 

"Course not," Peter rolled his eyes and for a moment Remus felt stupid for even thinking that Peter had. "But I've got a good pair of eyes and I've been watching James and Sirius." 

"Sirius isn't in love." Who was there for him to be in love with? Marleen? No. Sirius may find her intriguing and may think she's hot but if that was love then the books really where exaggerating. And it's wasn't even like he spent that much time fanning over her. There was even a time Remus believed Sirius did the whole 'Marleen' thing just for show. 

"Not even close." Peter agreed. 

"You're starting to contradict yourself." 

"No I'm not. James is in love. You can tell if you compare the way he is about Evans with the way Sirius is with any bird, especially Marleen. Sirius doesn't really care. He just likes boobs. James like boobs too but he also likes all the rest of Evans." 

"Uh-huh. Sure." It was better just to agree if Remus planed on getting any work done-

 

 

However as time went on Remus started to notice things about James and 'the way he is about Evans' which lead him to think that Peter might have been on to something. For instance: James would make a big deal about calling Evans 'hot' or talking about her 'sexy legs' but when he paid her compliments it was always things like 'you're hair looks really nice today' or 'I like the way the sunlight catches in your eye'. You know, cheesy things that people say romance novels. But when he said it it never sounded the way Remus imagined when he read said romance novels. James was never sarcastic nor did the words come out completely deadpan (which was the only way Remus knew how to read love scenes between two people). Instead he sound timid, shy, very 'un-James'. Especially seeing as he was never shy with any of the other girls he tired- or pretended to try- to impress. 

He'd also catch James staring at Evans a lot, and although it probably should have come across as creepy, Remus found it hard to interpret it that way when James looked so soft when he watched her, so vulnerable, almost as though her where holding his heart out in his hand for everyone to see. 

Peter, who was apparently much more observant then Remus realised, caught on to the fact that Remus had caught on and they ended up having a conversation or two about it, especially after the events that followed Halloween. 


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius

 

Sirius was looking forward to Halloween. He had been since last November, and finally his favourite holiday was just around the corner.

“So, what are we planning this year, lads?” James asked over breakfast one morning. “Giant dancing skeletons? Or we could jinx jack-o-lanterns to spew out pumpkin slush on anyone that walks by.”

“Both very good ideas, but no.” Sirius shook his head. “We’re basically adults now, which means we need to up the anti on all our pranks.”

“We’re not adults.” Remus protested but he was easily ignored.

“What where you thinking?” James’s interests where peaked.

“Space cakes.”

“No!” Remus warned. Which Sirius paid no mind to.

“What’s a space cake?” Peter asked and Sirius explained that they where a muggle thing. Brownies that where laced with dope- what’s dope? Well my dear Pete, it’s a Muggle drug. And when baked into eatable goods the high lasts longer.

“We’re not feeding anyone drugs.” Remus warned again. “Besides where would we even get dope?”

“You pose a fair question, one I’ve been wrestling with for a while now. But never fear, for I, the amazing Sirius Black, have found a potion that only takes two days to brew and works as a hallucinogenic when consumed.”

“What’s a hallucinogenic?” James asked, but he looked positively delighted at the idea with out even knowing. Peter looked just as confused and Remus was shaking his head in obvious disappointment.

“It means it makes you see things. Things that aren’t there.”

“Okay. I’m in.” James and Peter where both beaming which meant that Remus had no choice but to part take. Good, because there was no way they where going to be able to brew the potion with out him. It was going to be a tough one.

  A day later the marauders where huddled around a cauldron and the ingredients James had nicked from Slughorne’s supply closet. Remus still bitched about how this was a bad idea and taking it too far but he helped chop ingredients anyway and paid perfect attention to the way the potion was brewed making sure they didn’t do anything wrong.

Peter and Sirius, who where the weaker two when it came to potion making, took turns getting snacks from the kitchen and on the third trip down, Sirius cursed Hufflepuff for being so close to the kitchen. How bloody unfair was that.

“Black!” A familiar voice startled him as he made his way back out though the painting covered door, with cakes piled high.

“McKinnon.” Sirius greeted and tried not to stare at her chest. Remus has pointed out multiple times over the years how rude that was.

“What are you doing down here?”

“Getting food,” he lifted up the stack of cakes, “I though it was obvious.”

“There’s no need to be smart with me, Black. I’m just curious as to why you might need five rather large slices of cake.”

“One slice for me, one for James, one for Peter and two slices of chocolate cake for Remus. That boy can eat. If he didn’t already tower over the rest of us I’d say he was still growing.”

Marleen nodded as if she where agreeing with something Sirius had said, although he couldn’t pinpoint what. Then she smiled and said: “He’s a good kid, that Remus.” before turning to leave Sirius to his bruises. Good kid? If only she knew what Remus was doing in that very moment.

  “You’ll never guess who I bumped into outside the Hufflepuff common room.” Sirius said before he was even fully in the dorm.

“A Hufflepuff?” Remus and Peter said simultaneously though with very different expressions on their faces. Peter looked genuinely interested to know whereas Remus had raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘what a stupid question’.

James, who must have knows Sirius the best, knew exactly which Hufflepuff. “Did you finally get Marleen to give you a kiss then?”

“No. I don’t think she ever will. She fancies Remus.”

Remus raised his eyebrow again, this time as if to say ‘what a stupid statement’ and James broke into uncontrollable laughter.

“That’s bloody priceless.” He slapped himself on the knee to emphasise his amusement. “Sirius is hot for a bird that’s hot for Remus. I told you Hufflepuff’s love him.”

“Everyone loves him.” Peter correct but it almost couldn’t be heard over Siri’s proclaiming that he didn’t in fact have the hots for Marleen McKinnon.

“She has a Boyfriend.” Remus reminded everyone but they shrugged the statement off.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus

 

As Remus had expected, the Halloween prank turned out to be a complete disaster. Sirius and James had snuck into the kitchen before the feast to mix a couple of vials of the potion into a dish or two. They refused to tell Remus which dishes those where, in case he tried not to eat any of it, and Peter was also kept in the dark, because apparently he couldn’t be trusted not to tell Remus. (They later found out that it was in the mash.)

The potion took about half an hour to take effect, and by then some people had consumed so much of it that they where in for one hell of a bad night. Amongst those people where Peter, Marleen and Lily Evans.

“I’m not feeling anything.” Sirius, the prat, had said just before Lily, who was seated further down the table, started screaming like she was on fire. Then the chaos broke out.

Students all over the great hall where laughing historically or screaming in either terror or confusion.

Remus only had a few seconds to take it all in before he too fell victim to the potion. The hexed sky above went dark purple and several full moons popped into existence, swirling around above him. Some of them even had faces, faces of Hogwarts students, all laughing maniacally.

Deciding that he didn’t need to look at the menacing moons, Remus dropped his gaze to Sirius and Peter who where sitting across from him.

Peter, who’s head was much too big for his body, was gripping onto the table in front of him, knuckles turning white, while he stared down at his plate, tears escaping his eyes and working there way down his face.

Sirius, who’s body was too big for his head, was staring at Remus. Nothing more. It would have made Remus uncomfortable if he hadn’t been otherwise occupied with James’s inhumanly loud voice calling for Evans, coming from right next to him.

The manic laughter above him still hadn’t ceased and all the screaming that was happening in the great hall quickly became too much for Remus, who stood up and walked out, with out a word to his friends.

He might have blamed them for everything that was happening if he hadn’t been to preoccupied with trying not to fall over as he walked across the floor that that decided to move like water underneath his feet.

One foot in front of the other, Remus made his way slowly out of the great hall and into some corridor which he hoped would lead him out onto the grounds. The moons had decided to follow him, trailing behind, laughing and dancing. And the walls around him had started to melt, liquid stone splashing into the liquid floor.

On the way Remus passed by what might have been other students hopping to get some fresh air, but he couldn’t be sure that they where actually there. Not until he walked right into one.

The girl he’d bumped into screamed before spinning around to look at Remus. It was Marleen. It was Marleen and she was stark naked with her clothes no where to be seen.

“Where are your clothes?” Remus asked, forcing himself to be as lucid as possible.

“They turned into bugs so I took them off.” Marleen stated matter of factly.

“Where?”

“I don’t know.”

Remus knew that he had to get the poor girl something to wear but wasn’t sure he was capable of scavenging for her discarded garments. So instead he began to unbutton his own shirt. When the feast began he’d been wearing his robes and a jumper and although he couldn’t remember taking them off he must have done so because they where no longer on his person.

“Here you go.” Remus handed over his shirt and watched as Marleen slipped her arms into the sleeves and then struggled to button it up. It occurred to him that he might offer to help but didn’t want her to get the wrong idea and think he was trying to take advantage of her in her drugged state.

Fortunately Remus had gotten very tall. That way his shirt reached halfway down Marleen’s thighs, covering everything she wouldn’t want anyone to see.

“I promise my shirt won’t turn into bugs.” Remus said even though his shirt looked very dodgy. It looked as though it where waiting for the perfect moment to prove him wrong.

“Thank you.” Marleen smiled. Or she attempted to, but didn’t quite manage it. “Do you have any idea how to get to the Hufflepuff common room from here?”

“Uh.... that way. I think.”

Marleen nodded and then took one step in the direction Remus was pointing before stumbling and falling to her knees.

“The floor keeps moving.” She complained as she tried to pick herself back up.

Remus rushes to her side, as quickly as he could with the ever moving floor and helped her to her feet. “Maybe I should walk you.” Marleen didn’t reply but Remus put his arm around her anyway and began to slowly lead her towards Hufflepuff.

 

After what felt like hours of slow steps forward Remus and Marleen where standing at the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room.

“You got it from here?” He asked. He was starting to sober up and hoped it was the same for Marleen. She nodded and thanked him, but he suspended that she was still suffering the effects of the damned potion. Still, Remus didn’t want to intrude any further and left Marleen to fend for herself while he begun what he was sure would be a terribly long journey back to his own common room.

 

As Remus approached the kitchen he noticed that Sirius was sitting on the floor in front of the painting of the fruit bowl and staring up at the ceiling.

“Pads!” Remus called out to him. “Everything okay?”

“Oh Moony. Thank Merlin.” Sirius jumped up a little too quickly causing him to topple right back over again. “I’ve been trying to get into the kitchen but I can’t remember how.”

Remus realized that he too couldn’t remember how to get past the bowl of fruit and settled for just staring at it instead. All the fruits where colored wrong. Or where apples really red?

The two of them spent some time staring at the painting before Sirius said “You’re not wearing a shirt.”

“Lost it.” Remus didn’t feel like explaining. He knew Sirius would probably want to know details. What where Marleen’s boobs like and such. Not that Remus would be able to answer any of those questions even if he wanted to. He’d been far too out of it to pay attention to Marleen’s body. And if he had been sober he would have looked the other way.

“I like it.” Sirius stated and then reached over to run a finger over a scar Remus had just under his right collar bone. “Your skin changes color when I touch it.”

“I think it’s time for bed.” Remus said because he too could see his skin turning from green to blue to yellow and was sick and tired of it all.

 

Once the two of them made it back to their dorm they noticed that James had stripped the beds and made a nest of sheets and pillows on the floor in the middle of the room.

Peter was laying in the nest, fast asleep. Next to him was James, staring up at the ceiling and crying.

“You okay, mate?” Sirius asked, settling himself in the tangle of bedding, next to James.

“It’s Lily. She’s never going to forgive me.”

Sirius threw one of his arms over James, holding him tight, while Remus made himself comfortable on Sirius’s other side.

They talked a little, trying to comfort James, but the events of the evening had taken a toll on everyone and it wasn’t too long before Remus could feel sleep tugging at him, pulling him under.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, short chapter. The next one will be longer, promise.

Sirius woke up on the floor with his face presses into the side of Remus’s naked chest and one of James’s legs draped over him.

Why where they on the floor?

It took him a moment before the memories from the previous night came back to him.

“Bolocks.” He swore under his breath, not wanting to wake the other up. They where going to be in so much trouble. They’d probably loose 50 house points each as well as be in detention until they graduated. And that not was something they could afford. Not now when they where spending every spare moment working on becoming Animagie. And they had to become Animagie. They had to. Never before had Sirius been so convinced of it. Then again, Sirius had never been as aware of Remus’s scars as he had been the previous night. Even the ones on his face, that where there for the whole world to see, never seemed quite as serious as they had when Sirius was starting at Remus just as things where beginning to go horribly wrong.

With a deep sigh Sirius turned over to look at the sleeping werewolf. Remus was shivering slightly since winter was just around the corner and the poor kid didn’t even have a blanket to cover his naked torso.

Taking pity on him, Sirius cuddled closer to Remus, shaking James’s leg off, and warped an arm around Remus’s waist. He hoped that his body warmth would stop him from shivering.

Than Sirius took one last look at the scars that cut through what was otherwise a very pretty face, before he fell back asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Sirius

 

“I expected more from you Mr. Lupin.” McGonigal scolded and Sirius felt worse then when she’d gone off on him just a few minutes prior.

She’d told Sirius that just because he was in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin, didn’t mean that he had to do everything in his power to prove that ‘he was capable of acting with out a hint of a thought’. And how did he feel about having let his house down so greatly?

She’d told James that she would be writing his parents and that they would be very disappointed to hear what he’d done and how he’d strung all his friends into causing such mayhem with him. “I’m not talking about you Mr. Black, I’m perfectly aware that you where leading the charge alongside Mr. Potter. I was referring to Mr. Lupin and Mr. Pettigrew. Which leads me on to you Mr. Pettigrew-”

She'd told Peter that he didn’t need to do everything the other told him and that he should learn to stand up form himself. Peter got of easy, if you asked Sirius.

And then it was Remus’s turn. She’d left him for last, because he was the one she was most disappointed with. “Some of the other Professors thought I shouldn’t make you Prefect this year, but I insisted. Your actions reflect badlynot only on yourself, but on me as well.”

“I’m so sorry Professor. We all are.” Remus said but made no attempt to explain or defend himself. Sirius knew that he was probably blaming himself, which was stupid since it had been him that had initiated it all in the first place.

“It’s my fault Professor.” Sirius spoke up. “Remus was just doing what I asked him to.”

“I do now doubt that that is true, but Mr. Lupin should have known not to listen. In fact he should have done more to stop you, if not come directly to me.”

Sirius felt a pang of guilt knowing that Remus would never go to McGonigal or any other Professor to tell them what the Marauders where up to. He would rather find himself in this exact situation over and over again then betray his friends. And how often had his friends showed him how much they appreciated it? Maybe James and Peter had, but Sirius certainly hadn’t.

They where all sent to back to the Gryffindor tower having each lost 50 points and gained 16 detentions. On top of that Sirius had gained the overwhelming sense of guilt that came with realising that he didn’t do enough for Remus.

He figured he might try to rectify the situation by talking to Remus and asking him if there where any way he could possibly make up for all the crap he’d had to deal with because of Sirius. But Sirius was a bit of a coward as far as dealing with heavy topics was concerned so he decided not to do anything before he’d had a chance to talk to James about it, in private.

 

“Can you explain what we’re doing in a bloody broom cupboard?” James hissed, clearly still upset about what went down in McGonigals office. Or Lilly. Sirius couldn’t be sure.   
“I feel bad.”

“That’s why we’re in here?” James wasn’t happy. “Merlin’s flaccid prick, Sirius, I feel bad too. And I’ve honestly got better things to do than through a pity party in a broom cupboard. I need to send an Owl to my parents explaining that the situation isn’t as bad as it seams, even though it definitely is. And I need to try to apologise to Lilly, after I figure out just how I’m going to do that exactly. I mean what am I supposed to say to her? How can I possibly-”

“And we need to make things right with Remus.” Sirius cut him off.

“What are you on about?”

“I mean we should somehow let Remus know that we appreciate him for never turning us in and that we know it’s difficult being our friend but we’re glad that he is anyway.”

“He knows that.” James sighed, obviously wanting to get this talk over with as soon as possible.

“I know he does. But we should tell him anyway. I recon it would be nice for him to hear it.”

“I’ve already told him.”

“What? When?” Sirius couldn’t believe James would try and make things right with Remus with out him.

“When he got his Hogwarts letter. I told him that I understand how difficult it’s going to be playing Prefect while also being a Marauder and that I wouldn’t hold it against him if he ever decided not to take part in one of our pranks. He knows okay? Can I go now?” James was growing more and more irritated with every word so Sirius just nodded and watched as he through the door open and stormed out of the cupboard, but didn’t make any move to follow him. If what James said had been true, then James had made sure Remus felt comfortable and appreciated long before Sirius even realised that that might be an issue, which made Sirius feel that much worse.

With James clearly out of the picture the only thing left to do was go find Peter so that the two of them could confirm everything James had said to Remus.

The only problem with that plan was, once Sirius had found Peter seated at an empty table in the library, books staked on top of each other in piles around him, he found out that Peter was very much on the same page as James.

“What do you mean he already knows?” Sirius demanded.

“I mean I told him after he got his Hogwarts letter that I wouldn’t hold Marauder Remus accountable for anything Prefect Remus had to do. At least not for too long.” Peter explained. He was in the middle of an ancient runes essay and didn’t deem the conversation important enough to look up from the textbook his nose was buried in.

“Really?” Sirius couldn’t believe it. Even bloody Peter had been a better friend then him.

“Of course. Once I realised that James had done so I figured it best if I tell him too.” Okay, so there was still the hope that Peter had only gone and declared his unwavering friendship for Remus because James had done it. But Sirius suspected that maybe he was just grasping at any sign that he wasn’t the worst friend in the Marauders. And unfortunately it looked very much like he was.

“Fuck. What am I supposed to do?” Sirius sighed, letting himself down on one of the seats at Peter’s table.

“About what?” Peter asked, still not looking up from his homework which was fair enough, because Sirius never got around to answering the question anyway.

He got distracted by Marleen McKinnon who was seated two tables down. She looked nice (she always looked nice) with her hair tied up in a messy bun which appeared to be held up with a twig of some sort. The shirt she was wearing looked as though it was the tiniest bit too small, but had a fair bit of use in it anyway. An old shirt maybe? Perhaps the house elves had been too busy cleaning up the Halloween mess to worry about the Hufflepuffs laundry? What ever the reason, Sirius liked the way it clung to her body, but that wasn’t what had caught his attention. It was the way that she kept looking around, as if searching for somebody that had drawn his eye. That and the rather terribly folded white shirt on the table in front of her. He could tell just by looking at it, that it would be much to big for her, in fact, it probably belonged to a man. Which could mean only one thing, Marleen had had sex and was now returning the shirt. And Sirius would never forgive himself if he didn’t wait it out to see who’d come to claim it.

He was expecting to be disappointed to see that it was no other than McKinnon’s Slytherin boyfriend, Alexander what’s-his-face. What he definitely wasn’t expecting was to see no other that Remus John that bloody scoundrel Lupin walk in and take a seat next to her.

“How are you?” Sirius could just barley hear Remus say but McKinnon answered too quietly for Sirius to successfully eavesdrop, and much to his dismay Remus continued the conversation in an equally hushed whisper. Oh how Sirius wished he could read lips.

A bit into the conversation Remus put his hand on McKinnon’s and that’s when Sirius had enough. He needed to do something to protect her honour. She had a boyfriend after all. Pushing his chair back noisily, Sirius stood dramatically and made his way over to where his best friend was seated with the fittest bird at Hogwarts. With out waiting for an invitation he took a seat on Remus’s other side.

“Please leave, McKinnon. I need to talk to Remus.”

“Pardon?” McKinnon looked at Sirius like he was crazy.

“I asked you to please leave.”

“I was here first.” She said but stood up anyway, making no effort to hide her look of repulsion. “Ugh. I don’t know why you insist on being friends with him, Remus.” And then she was gone.

“That was incredibly rude.” Remus said looking at Sirius with a furrow between his eyebrows. “Even for you’re standards.”

“Oh don’t bee so dramatic, I came here to say sorry.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have chased her off then. Difficult to apologise to someone who isn’t here.”

“What?” It took Sirius a moment to realise that Remus though he’d come over to apologise to McKinnon. “No, I mean say sorry to you.”

“To me? I’m not the once who thought all my clothes where turning into flesh eating bugs because of your potion.”

“My potion? We all helped to make- Hang on.” Everything fell into place suddenly. “Is that why she had your shirt? That’s why you where half naked when I found you.”

“Yes. It’s because-”

“You and McKinnon shagged last night while the rest of us where suffering delusions.” Sirius wasn’t sure weather to be irritated or impressed.

“What?!” Remus almost raised his voice past a whisper. “How thick are you? No I did not sleep with Marleen. I wouldn’t do that to you. Or her boyfriend for that matter. She just happened to loose some of her clothing through out the night and I figured I’d lend her my shirt before she fell victim to perverts like yourself.”

“Really?” Sirius smirked. “How much clothing.”

“Ugh.” Remus groaned, grabbing his shirt and standing up, ready to leave.

“Wait.” Sirius grabbed hold of Remus’s wrist. “I still need to apologise, remember?”

“Fine.” Remus sat back down. He was much to patient for his own good. “What exactly is it that you’re apologising for?”

“Taking you for granted.” Sirius explained. He hadn’t planed to do this on his own. He’d hoped that James and Peter would be there with him and that all of them could admit to being shitty friends together. But alas, James and Peter where really good friends, who cared and all that crap.

“That potion really messed with your brain, huh?” Remus teased, clearly not even realising that Sirius had been unappreciative. It offered up a perfect escape. He could just say ‘yeah, the potion was still making his mind blurry’ and leave and Remus would be none the wiser. But he doubted that that would alleviate him of the guilt he was feeling.

“No, I mean yes it did, but that’s not the point. The point is that you could have ratted us out to McGonigal or refused to brew the potion, but you didn’t.”

“Of course not. As utterly stupid as I find the things you guys do, you’re still my friends. I would never betray your trust by going to McGonigal.”

“I know that. I know that you never would and I just want you to know that I really appreciate you for that. It’s noble. Especially since you’ve got that massive stick up your arse.”

“Sirius-” Remus warned, letting Sirius know that he wasn’t opposed to just getting up and walking away, like he’d almost done a few moments prior.

“Sorry. Sorry. I just mean, you’re just a decent person and I know you don’t like breaking the rules, so it must be hard to be our friend sometimes but you do it anyway, and you do it much better than me at least so I’d just like to say sorry for, you know, never really appreciating that before.”

“What do I do better than you?”

“You know, the friend thing?” Sirius looked down at his hands. He wasn’t sure why, but admitting that he wasn’t the best friend he could be made him really uneasy.”

“What are you on about? You accepted me even though I’m a werwolf, didn’t you? That’s more then I ever expected from a friend.” Remus said, even more quietly then he had been talking so far. Was this conversation making him uncomfortable too? Sirius couldn’t see why it would but when he looked up at Remus he too was looking down, playing with on of the buttons on the shirt McKinnon had left behind, and he only ever fidgeted like that when he was nervous or uncomfortable. It was definitely time for a topic change.

“So you got to see McKinnon’s bra then?”

“No.” Remus said. And before Sirius could figure out just what that ‘no’ meant, Remus was leaving, probably to avoid talking about McKinnon’s breasts. The boy honestly was much to pure.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Peter

 

Peter had a very strange two weeks following Halloween. And not just because he had to spend every evening re-potting hundreds of plants with Remus, and the second week cleaning out stables with Sirius. The really strange bit was that’t he’d never once seen the horses that where apparently put in the stables over night. Not once in his 5 years at Hogwarts.

Remus insisted on talking about James and Evans. Pointing out all the little things he’d noticed James do and worrying about how the Halloween prank was really getting James down.

“Of course it’s getting him down. The girl of his dreams suffered a night of Horrors thanks to him.” Peter yelled so Remus would hear him though the earmuffs.

“How do you know it was a night of Horrors?” Remus yelled back. “Has she spoken to you about it?”

“No. She hasn’t spoken to anyone about it. But I know because I suffered though a night of Horrors.”

“Oh right.” Remus sighed. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t want to pull the prank in the first place.”

“But I didn’t try very hard to stop it either.” Everyone knew that Remus was being eaten up inside about the prank, because he couldn’t be everyones knight in shining armour that night. Only McKinnon’s. Which Peter found incredibly unfair.

While he sat, petrified in the Great Hall and was forced to watch as the food came to life and started to cannibalise each other, Remus was out rescuing naked girls.

“Sirius seemed to forgive you pretty quickly about the Marleen thing.” He said once the topic of James and his failed endeavours ran dry.

“To be honest, I don’t think he ever really cared.”

“Probably more upset that you won’t tell him what she looks like naked then the fact that you’ve seen her naked.” Peter laughed.

“I think you where right, Pete.”

“Of course I was. What about though?”

Remus laughed, but Peter couldn’t hear it. Just saw the shoulders lifting and falling in his peripheral vision.

“The whole James and Lily versus Sirius and Marleen thing.”

“I told you, I have a pair of working eyes. Anyone could have seen I was right.”

“I didn’t.” Remus admitted. “Probably never would have if you hadn’t said something.”

“That’s because you’re daft.” Peter joked causing Remus to toss a handful of soil at him, adding to the already prominent mess. “And because you don’t have a single romantic bone in you’re very boney body.”

 

The next day, at the second of 16 bloody detentions Remus insisted on keeping the conversation going.

“What did you mean when you said I don’t have a single romantic bone in my body?” Merlin, why where they discussing this? Why weren’t they discussing Quidditch or boobs. If only he’d have gotten paired with James then they could have talked about Quidditch and boobs, even if it was Evan’s boobs.

Instead he was seated here, covered in soil, trying to explain romance to someone who had complained for months on end about that one muggle play he’d seen with his Parents over the summer. The one with the girl, Mary? Maria? who’s lover killed her brother.

“You think friendship is the most important thing there is.” Peter sighed. They where done with the Mandrakes, which meant no more ear muffs and no more yelling, but this new plant kept trying to escape it’s pot.

“It is.” Remus insisted.

“Yes, it’s important but-”

“You think James would ever choose Lily over us?” Remus was getting unreasonably upset.

“No. Of course not.”

“See!”

“Remus, will you listen to me for a second. I’m not saying friendship is one of the greatest kinds of relationships, but you’re reaction right now proves my point entirely. You can’t even begin to imagine that there might be another kind of love that just as magical.”

“You’re right. I can’t.” And that was it for a while. There was no more talk of James and Evans or of romance. Which would have been fantastic, however there was very little talk of anything for the rest of the week. Peter even started to worry that he’d somehow offended Remus.

 

The following week wasn’t much better. Why of why couldn’t he be stuck listening to James go on and on about Evans instead.

“Do you think Remus fancies McKinnon?” Sirius asked while they where severing dung stained hay into a wheelbarrow.

“No. Do you want to talk about the invisible horses that live here instead?”

“Becasue, you know, they talk between classes sometimes and he calls her ‘Marleen’.”

“Yup. And their’s a creature on the Hogwarts gourds that no one has ever seen before and produces a hell of a lot of shite.”

“Is he worried that I will mind? Because I don’t mind, you know, I really don’t. Why wouldn’t he tell me?”

“I’d even go so far as to say it was a herd. An entire heard of creatures that no one has ever seen.”

“It’s because he thinks I’m a bad friend, isn’t it? Am I a bad friend?”

Peter had to admit it had been rather amusing how Sirius could keep talking with out hearing a word Peter had said. However, he also though it was rather annoying especially now that they where back to Sirius’s weird insecurity about how good of a friend he was. Where had that even come from? Peter was pretty sure that up until the beginning of their 5th year Sirius had been convinced he was the very best friend there ever was (Not including James of course).

“You’re not a bad friend.” Peter assured, hoping, yet doubting, that that would be the end of it.

“Maybe not. But I’m not a good friend either.” Sirius sighed, having suddenly gained the power of hearing.

“Sure you are. You hexed that Ravenclaw that made fun of me in second year and you have James’s back though everything he dose.”

“What about Remus? What have I ever done for remus?”

“You mean other than bring him chocolate after the full moon every month? You’ve done plenty, Sirius. Now can we please talk about the invisible herd who’d shite we’ve been shovelling for the past hour?”

That seamed to set Sirius’s mind at ease for a while, for which Peter thanked Merlin. He didn’t know how much more of this ‘being the supportive friend’ he could take.


	9. Chapter 9

Remus

 

Once their detentions where finally done evenings where spent in much more pleasant ways. At least for James, Sirius and Peter who continued there work on becoming Animagi.

Remus wished he could join them, he really did, seeing as it was all for his benefit anyway. But his prefect duties seemed to take up most of his time. Especially since he was trying to prove himself to McGonagall after the events of Halloween.

The other three understood, and made sure to remind him to go patrol whenever he let himself imagine blowing it of to join his friends instead, which was really more then Remus could have ever asked for. How he got so lucky with those guys he didn’t know.

On particularly cold evening in early December, Remus was on his way back to the common room after a long evening of searching the Hogwarts halls for rowdy students. His bones ached as it was only a couple of days from the full moon, and the cold was definitely not helping.

All he wanted to do was get back, plop down in front of the fire and read something. Something that wasn’t on his mandatory reading list.

He figured that the Common Room would be nearly empty by the time he got there as everyone in there third year and older would probably be waking early to go to Hogsmead for some Christmas shopping. He was not expecting to find Sirius, laying in the couch in front of the fire.

“Wotcher.” Remus greeted, shoving Sirius’s legs away so that he had some spaces to join him.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you at all lately.” Sirius said, sitting up.

“Don’t be so dramatic. We have most of the same classes.” Remus rolled his eyes. Yes it was true that he hadn’t seen much of the Marauders after class but that didn’t mean that they didn’t see each other. Even on Wednesday when James and Sirius had Muggle Studies while Remus was in Arithmancyand Peter had a free they all still sat together at lunch to discuss whatever fascinating thing it was James and Sirius had learned about the ever fascinating muggles.

“I still feel like I haven’t seen you much.” Sirius pouted and then proceeded to put his head in Remus’s lap.

“No.” Remus protested.

“Oh come on, Moony. Please?”

“No.”

“Fine.” Sirius got back up, but scooted closer to Remus and then rested his head on Remus’s shoulder. As irritating as he found it, Remus had to admit that the warmth that came off of Sirius was very welcome in that moment. And Sirius must have known it as he asked Remus how he was doing with the full mood just around the corner.

“I’m a little tired and it hurts to stand, or sit, or breath. But I’m used to it.”

“I know you are. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.” Sirius said cuddling closer and placing an arm around Remus so that he could rub Remus’s shoulder. Both Sirius and James where always great at making Remus feel better in little ways, ever before they knew he was a werwolf. They made it so easy to just lean into the touch and forget about his problems for a while (which was quite the feat when your problems included turning into a bloodthirsty monster once a month).

“Can I ask you something? And you have to promise you’ll tell me the truth.” Sirius asked after a while of just sitting there, staring into the fire.

“You can ask. That doesn’t mean I’ll answer though.”

“Do you fancy McKinnon?”

“What?” Of all the questions Sirius could have asked, Remus wasn’t expecting that one. “No. Of course not.”

“You’re not just saying that because you think I’d be upset?”

“When has upsetting you ever stoped me from saying something?” Remus joked, even though they both knew that he’d be very likely to keep his mouth shut if it meant not upsetting his friends. 

“So you don’t fancy her then?”

“No. I don’t. You’re free to keep lusting after her with out me getting in the way.” He joked. “Besides I probably couldn’t fancy her if I wanted.”

“How do you mean?” Sirius lifted his head off of Remus’s shoulder to better look at him.

“Peter thinks I don’t have a single romantic bone in my body.”

“He’s right.”

“Hey!” Remus protested. “That’s not true.”

“Really? Then how come you never talk about how fit a bird is?”

“There’s more important things then just being fit.” Remus tried to defend himself, but he knew that Sirius had a point.

“I don’t think that’s true. But even if it was, you never talk about birds at all. Not about how fit they are, not about how well read they are, or whatever it is that get’s you going. It’s like you don’t care at all about them.”

“I just haven’t met a bird worth caring about yet.” Remus shrugged. He considered telling Sirius that he suspected he might not be into girls at all, but figured that was something he should be absolutely sure about before advertising it to the world.

“Okay sure, but doesn’t the urge to shag something overrule how much you care about someone?”

“That’s why Merlin invented masturbation.”

“Ugh.” Sirius jumped back. “Don’t put images of Merlin having a wank in my mind. I think I might be sick.”

Remus laughed. “No objection to the images of me wanking?”

“None at all, Moony.” Sirius teased. “Probably gonna have a wank later just thinking of you doing it.”

“Just make sure not to forget the silencing charm again.” Remus teased back.


	10. Chapter 10

Sirius

 

The marauders joked about thinks like wanking and sex all the time. Shame wasn’t something they had time for. James, having grown up with very open parents didn’t mind walking naked from the shower to his trunk, on his first day there. And soon he had them all doing it. Only Remus, who was shy about his scars, didn’t take to the nudity as quickly, but by the end of their third year even he felt no qualms about strutting around their dorm room with his prick out.

It was never a problem, nor a cause for unease, not on the countless times when Sirius or Peter forgot to cast a silencing charm before talking care of their teenaged needs, nor the time they all overheard a dirty dream James was having about Evans.

And yet, there Sirius was, laying in his bed, unable to get the image of Remus having a wank out of his head. He hadn’t had a problem joking about it with Remus, hadn’t thought twice about pretending like it was something that turned him on. But once he was left alone with his thoughts on a sleepless night the idea of it all made him very uncomfortable, and he couldn’t pinpoint why.

Him and James had pretended to shag on countless occasions. Sirius bending over while James stood behind him, thrusting into the air. They’d joked about giving each other hand jobs and compared the lengths of their erect pricks. They did all the things a bunch of horny, teenaged mates, who where forced to share close living quarters with each other, did.

So why was this time different from all the rest? Was it because Remus never forgot the silencing charm, which meant he was the only one who’s noises where completely private. That in itself gave Sirius plenty to wonder about. What did Remus sound like when he was in the throws of passion?

That explained the sort of morbid curiosity Sirius was feeling but didn’t do much for the inexplicable feeling of dread and discomfort that had taken hold of him.

He found that he couldn’t look Remus in the eye the next day, or the day after that. In fact he couldn’t seem to look Remus in the eye until he was forced to realise that the two of them would be staying at Hogwarts alone together over Christmas. All he could do, as the two of them watched Peter and James go, was hope that Remus hadn’t noticed anything off over the past couple of week. That and get over what ever it was that was bothering him, so that the two of them could have a perfectly normal break.

“How do you think your mother will react to finding out you’d rather be here with a werewolf then at home with your family?” Remus asked, like he did every year.

“She doesn’t know you’re a werwolf.”

“How do you think your mother will react to finding our you’d rather be here with a halfblooded then at home with your family?”

“Oh. She’ll be absolutely furious.” Sirius beamed. “Isn’t that wonderful.”

Maybe he would make it thought the break just fine. It was only Remus after all.

Keeping busy also helped his mind not wonder to that dirty place where Remus’s hand was on his….. Anyway. Keeping busy helped. And they had plenty of things to keep them busy.

They’d promised to keep working on their little Animagus project, and all the time they didn’t spend doing that or studying, they spent wondering the castle, trying for learn every nook and cranny of it.

 

On the day of Christmas Eve the two of them snuck into Hogsmead, via the secret passage Sirius had stumbled across the previous year, to stalk up on sweets and butter beer. Obviously Sirius also tried to purchase a bottle of fire whiskey (despite Remus’s objections), but that was rather unsuccessful, as the both of them still had a rather youthful glow to them.So much for Sirius’s plan to get absolutely pissed.

Maybe he could convince Remus to take some of the leftover halloween potion with him? Just a little so they didn’t end up like Evans or Peter did.

As expected, Remus was violently against the halloween potion idea. He even took it so far as to get his Christmas Eve food from he Hufflepuff table just incase Sirius was planing on drudging him again. Sirius was reckless, but he wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. Most of the students still hadn’t forgiven him and it was even worse with the Professors.

After a hearty dinner the two of them went back to the common room, which was nearly empty, so few Gryffindors had stayed over the break. The couch by the fireplace was vacant (in fact all of the seats around the fireplace where vacant) so they plopped down onto it and Remus ‘Accio’ed the sweets and the Butterbeer down from their dorm.

Remus instead they play wizards chess but after Sirius lost two rounds, both within no more than 2 minutes he was able to convince Remus (with excessive pouting and begging) to play exploding snap instead.

“This game is so boring.” Remus complained after the nth number of games.

“Well what do you suggest we do instead?” Neither of the two boys where in the mood to do any more work that night, weather it be for school or for the marauders, but the fact of the matter was that there simply wasn’t much else to do at Hogwarts when it was so empty.

“We could go outside and play in the snow?”

“It’s past curfew you naughty, naughty prefect.” Sirius teased. And then felt instantly uncomfortable. All the confusing, negative feelings he’d been having about Remus coming suddenly back.

Remus must have noticed, because he said: “Or you could tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Sirius insisted, but he didn’t sound very convincing, even to himself.

“Oh please. Your face just did a thing.”

“A thing?” Sirius raised his eyebrow.

“Yes.” Remus confirmed. “A thing. And you’ve been moody for weeks. And you didn’t bring me chocolate after the full moon.”

“You noticed that, did you?” Sirius looked down at his hands. He hadn’t realised that Remus was paying attention. He also hadn’t realised that Remus expected him to bring him chocolate. Sure he’d done it every full moon since half way though their third year, but he didn’t think that it meant that much to Remus. It was just a fun little thing Sirius did to maybe make his friend fell that little bit better.

“Of course I noticed that. Even Madame Pomfree noticed.” Remus paused for a moment and looked into the fire. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No.” It made sense that Remus might thinks so. How was he supposed to know that the problem was with Sirius and not with him? “Of course not.”

“Are you sure? Because it kinda feels like you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’m not-”

“Don’t lie to me, Sirius. You can’t even look me in the eye.” He was right of course. Sirius had spent the entire conversation looking anywhere but directly at Remus. And during the games of chess and exploding snap they played before that he’d looked down at the game almost entirely. If he was going to convince Remus that he hadn’t done anything, Sirius was going to have to get over this.

He looked up at Remus, looked him dead in the eye and said: “Better?”

“A little.” Remus smiled. Sirius could tell that it was a nice smile with out ever looking away. The smile reached Remus’s eyes. His beautiful brown eyes, that seamed (for the first time ever) to be summoning Sirius closer, pulling him in. He wondered what that was all about.

“It’s getting late.” Remus said suddenly, his voice breathy. “Maybe we should go to bed.”

“Buy me dinner first.” Sirius meant for it come across as jokingly flirty but what he heard instead was a pathetic whimper.

“Oh.” Remus breathed more then he spoke, and then very, very slowly stated to lean forward. Moving his face towards Sirius’s.

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Remus

 

 

Remus woke up, on Christmas morning, absolutely mortified. He had almost kissed Sirius Black. Remus Lupin had almost kissed Sirius fucking Black. And he was almost certain Sirius would have kissed him back. Not that he’d ever know for sure. No, that pesky first year girl had to stumble into the common room, snapping Remus out of whatever trance he’d been under.

It was probably for the best though. Remus didn’t want to begin to imagine what kind of mess he would be in if he had kissed Sirius. Sirius, who was probably still sleeping in the bed opposite Remus. Oh Merlin, what was he going to do?

Realising pretty quickly that he couldn’t hide in bed all day (well, he probably could have but it didn’t sound particularly fun), Remus sat up and pulled open the curtains around his fourposter.

To his surprise Sirius’s bed was empty, it’s occupant no where to be seen. Remus sighed. He’d hoped to get the initial awkwardness, of seeing Sirius, over with. His disappointment and confusion momentarily distracted him from the pile of gifts that was stacked on the trunk at the foot of his bed. When he did finally notice them, he realised he wasn’t in a presents kind of mood, so he pulled on a jumper and his robes and made his way down to the great hall for breakfast. Maybe Sirius would be there and they could talk about what had almost happened.

 

 

 

Sirius

 

Sirius was absolutely freaking out, and he had been, since Remus almost kissed him the previous night. It wasn’t so much that Remus had almost kissed him. It was that he had wanted it. He, Sirius Black, had wanted Remus Lupin to kiss him.

“Fuck.” He swore under his breath as he wandered the cold halls of Hogwarts. He’d woken up in the very early, drenched in sweat after a dream he would rather forget, and took to the twisting, turning corridors of Hogwarts with out grabbing even a jumper on his way out. It was chilly and his hands and feet felt like they where half way to frostbite. But Sirius couldn’t go back to the Gryffindor tower, couldn’t face Remus, until he’d figured out his mind. He owed Remus that.

“Dose this mean I’m gay?” He asked out loud and then clasped his hand over his mouth. What if someone heard? What if someone heard and told his brother? Oh Merlin. His brother. If Regulus, or any of his family, found out he was gay (was he gay?) then his life was over. Maybe he should just tell Remus that? ‘Hey, I know it may have seemed like I wanted you kiss me last night, and I’m not saying that I didn’t, but that sort of thing is suicide when you have a family like mine.’

Why did it have to be bloody Remus? Couldn’t he have wanted to kiss some bird? Then he wouldn’t have this problem.

 

 

Remus

 

Sirius wasn’t in the great hall either. In fact, very few people where, most students probably still in bed or unpacking gifts in their common room.

“Hey, Remus,” Remus heard someone call his name. Marleen. “Join me for breakfast?” Remus wasn’t sure. What if Sirius saw and got the wrong idea? But Sirius was no where to be seen and Remus really didn’t fancy having breakfast alone with his thoughts. So he took a seat next to Marleen and the otherwise empty table.

“Get anything nice for Christmas?”

“Pardon?” Remus’s may have been sitting at the table with Marleen, but his mind was elsewhere. He mentally slapped himself on the wrist for such rude behaviour.

“I asked if you got any nice gifts?”

“Oh. Uh-? I’m not sure. I haven’t gotten around to opening any of them yet.”

“Long night?”

Remus almost jumped. “Uh. Yeah. I guess you could say that. What about you? Did you get anything nice?”

“I did.” Marleen beamed. She really was very pretty. “My mother sent me the earrings I’m wearing.” She tilted her head in a way that showed of an absolutely gorgeous dangly, magical earring that glowed like a star that had been plucked from the sky and hung from this pretty girls face.

“Wow.” Remus said reaching out to touch the glowing object, but pulling his hand back before it made contact. He really did not need to flirt with Marleen as well. A bloke and a girl who was already spoken for in less than 12 hours. That just wasn’t who Remus wanted to be.

“Where’s Sirius then?”

“What?”

“Is he still sleeping? You don’t usually come to breakfast with out him.”

“Oh. Right.” Marleen had been watching them over the break. “I’m not sure where he is. His bed was empty when I woke up.”

“I didn’t take him for an early riser.”

“Usually he’s not.”

“Must be really exited about Christmas.”

 

 

 

Sirius

 

Sirius fancied Remus. He was almost sure of it by the time his stomach started to cry for food. What he wasn’t sure of was that exactly that meant.

He found that fancying Remus wasn’t like fancying some bird. With McKinnon for example, all he wanted to really do was snog her in some empty class room somewhere. That and maybe finally loos his virginity. What he didn’t want to do was all the stuff James wanted to do with Evans. Like romance her, and marry her, and have 5 little ginger babies (not that that would work with McKinnon either way. McKinnon wasn’t ginger).

His crush on Remus was different. Obviously Sirius still wanted to snog Remus in some empty class room, but he definitely didn’t want to do anything more. He’d seen Remus naked and it was intimidating. Virginities would have to wait to be lost. 

The whole romancing and marrying and having babies thing also didn’t really sit well with Sirius. There was no way he’d be any good at any of that, not to mention that it probably wasn’t very fun. But he could imagine playing Quidditch with Remus or sitting by the lake and just talking to Remus, even letting Remus be the one to put his head in Sirius’s lap for one. And he could picture them doing those things for hours, maybe taking a break to snog every now and then. And he had to admit, it seemed like a good life.

If only he knew how he could have that life with out making a complete mess of the one he already had. Like what if he’d imagined the whole thing and Remus hand’t actually been trying to kiss him. It didn’t seam likely, their faces where very, very close by the time that first year showed up, but Sirius was know to to blow things way out of proportion. And say Remus had wanted to kiss him. Who was to say that his intentions ranged further that just a snog on a cold, lonely winter nigh? But say Remus fancied Sirius too. Then what? Would they start dating? Was that even an option? And what if someone found out? Blokes didn’t just date other blokes. That’s not how things worked. Especially not in the ever esteemed house of Black.

Merlin, was the whole thing a mess. If only Remus hadn’t made the first move. Then maybe Sirius would have been oblivious to his stupid crush a little while longer.


End file.
